You Will Know Them by Their Fruit: When Church Leadership Becomes Spiritual Manipulation

There are moments when something happens within the church world that makes me angry in a way I almost cannot explain. The heartbreaking “Death of a Pastor’s Wife” documentary recently brought so many thoughts back to the surface for me about spiritual abuse, manipulation, control, church leadership, and the damage that can happen when human beings place themselves in positions of spiritual authority they were never meant to occupy.

I want to say something specifically to those of you who grew up in the church, served in ministry, lived underneath church leadership, or have experienced manipulation or abuse disguised as spirituality. I have been there.

Many of you know me as an incredibly devout woman of faith. I love Jesus deeply. My relationship with Him is the center of my life, my family, my businesses, the way I raise my children, and the way I attempt to love people. But 14 years ago, I walked away from the church organization I had been part of. And when I left, I had a lot to undo.

Separating Obedience to God From Obedience to Man

I had to undo thinking about obedience. I had to undo what I had been taught about submission. I had to separate serving God from serving a man. I had to learn the difference between honoring spiritual leadership and allowing another human being to assume authority over my conscience, my family, and my relationship with God.

People criticized us. For years I heard religious comments about how people were “praying God would get ahold of us.” And there was something almost ironic about it because while people were questioning whether God had ahold of my family, my family was helping build orphanages in Senegal and financially supporting churches in Nepal that were reaching Buddhists and Hindus who had never heard the Gospel. But apparently God needed to “get ahold of me” because I would no longer place myself underneath a pastor whose corruption I knew about. No.

At some point you have to stop confusing loyalty to a religious organization with loyalty to Jesus Christ.

Imperfection Is Not the Same as Spiritual Abuse

People love to say, “Well, the church is full of imperfect people. You cannot leave just because somebody makes mistakes.” Sometimes that statement is absolutely true. And sometimes it is absolute hogwash.

There is a tremendous difference between imperfect people making mistakes and spiritual leaders who manipulate, intimidate, control, conceal corruption, weaponize Scripture, demand unquestioned loyalty, or use the name of God to get people to do what they want. That is not simply human imperfection. That is dangerous.

Look at the Fruit

When I left 14 years ago, one of the greatest prayers of my life was about my children. I remember asking God specifically, “How do I make sure my children grow up loving You and serving You all the days of their lives?” That mattered more to me than whether people approved of our decisions.

And now, 14 years later, I would say this to anyone who questioned that decision: look at the fruit. Jesus said in Matthew 7:16, “You will recognize them by their fruits.” Scripture gives us a measurement. Look at the fruit.

If something does not pass the sniff test spiritually, look at what it is producing. If a ministry is producing fear, manipulation, secrecy, exhaustion, anxiety, unquestioned obedience to leadership, performance, shame, intimidation, and people who are terrified to speak honestly, then we have every right to stop and ask whether that fruit actually looks like Jesus.

And if you want to question the decision I made 14 years ago, then ask me about the fruit of that decision. Look at my children. Do you know them? Do you see their lives? Do you see that they love the Lord? Do you see young people who want to know Jesus for themselves? Do you see children who pray, seek God, ask questions, read His Word, and desire an authentic relationship with Him?

Then look at my own life. Did leaving an unhealthy religious system make me abandon Jesus? Or did it make me pursue Him more authentically? Because if we are going to use a biblical measurement, then let’s actually use one. You will know them by their fruit.

When Christianity Becomes a Performance

I know wonderful families whose children have grown up in healthy churches and love Jesus deeply. I am not suggesting that church attendance causes children to walk away from God. But I have also watched far too many pastor’s kids and ministry kids grow into adults who want absolutely nothing to do with Christianity.

Why? Sometimes because behind the platform they saw something completely different from what everyone else saw on Sunday morning. They saw bureaucracy. They saw hypocrisy. They saw pressure. They saw exhaustion. They saw manipulation. They watched men place themselves on pedestals. They watched their parents sacrifice their families in the name of “ministry.” They saw people forced to smile while struggling behind closed doors. They learned how to perform Christianity before they ever learned how to genuinely know Christ.

And there is far too much performance in the American church. I refuse to perform. I stopped performing 14 years ago.

I do not need to prove my relationship with Jesus by sitting in a particular building every Sunday morning. I do not need a ministry title. I do not need a platform. I do not need to serve on another committee. I do not need another human being validating whether my relationship with God is legitimate.

Returning to Church Without Surrendering Discernment

Interestingly enough, after nearly 14 years of not regularly attending a traditional church, our family recently felt compelled to begin attending a Sunday morning service again. We felt like God was leading us there. And I am enjoying that season. But I will tell you something else just as clearly: if I sense corruption, manipulation, spiritual control, or someone using their position to dominate people, I am out.

I have absolutely no tolerance anymore for spiritual abuse disguised as authority. And that does not mean I am rebellious. It means I learned something.

God Is My Authority

God is my authority. A pastor is not God.

A pastor can teach me. A pastor can encourage me. A pastor can shepherd people. A pastor can offer wisdom. A pastor can pray for me. A pastor can challenge me biblically. But a pastor does not get to become God’s replacement in my life.

If someone tells you that you must obey him because he “hears from God” for your life, I want you to be very careful. God can speak to you. You have access to Scripture. You can pray. You have the Holy Spirit. You are responsible before God for your own choices, your conscience, your family, and your obedience to Him.

A title does not make someone spiritually superior to you. Healthy spiritual leadership should never require fear, manipulation, shame, secrecy, intimidation, unquestioned loyalty, or control.

Christian Fellowship Is Not Institutional Control

And I know the religious response to something like this. People immediately want to defend the institution. “But you need church.” “You need authority.” “You need covering.” “You cannot do Christianity alone.” And I would agree with one part of that.

We absolutely need Christian fellowship. We need brothers and sisters in Christ. We need people who pray with us, challenge us, encourage us, sharpen us, love us, correct us when necessary, and walk through life with us. Community matters.

But Christian fellowship and institutional control are not the same thing.

There is nothing godly about remaining underneath a pastor or church leader who manipulates you, berates you, frightens you, controls you, or repeatedly uses spiritual authority to move you in the direction he wants.

The early church was a community of believers devoted to Christ and devoted to one another. It was never supposed to become a system in which one man’s title gave him unchecked authority over another human being’s life.

Religiousness Can Look Like Fruit From a Distance

And here is another thing I have learned: religiousness can look a lot like fruit from a distance. People can be busy. They can preach. They can build ministries. They can have huge churches. They can know Scripture. They can speak Christian language. They can have platforms, titles, conferences, books, followers, and influence. And underneath all of it there can still be an odor of corruption.

Sometimes religious performance simply masks what is rotten underneath.

What the Fruit of the Spirit Actually Looks Like

Galatians tells us what the fruit of the Spirit actually looks like: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. So where is the fruit?

Does the leader love people? Is there peace around them? Is there kindness? Is there gentleness? Is there self-control? Is there honesty? Is there integrity? Can people ask questions without being punished? Can somebody disagree without being shamed? Can somebody leave without being demonized? Can somebody say no? Can somebody hear from God for themselves? Those questions matter.

When Ministry Becomes an Idol

I would challenge anyone serving in ministry who becomes deeply offended when church authority is questioned to ask themselves why. Because if questioning unhealthy leadership feels like a personal attack on your position, then maybe that ministry position has become more important to you than it should be.

Maybe the ministry itself has become an idol. Maybe the title has become an idol. Maybe being needed has become an idol. Maybe being followed has become an idol. Maybe having people underneath your leadership has become an idol. And anything we cannot lay down before God has the ability to become an idol.

Ministry was never supposed to be performative. Real ministry should be the overflow of your relationship with Jesus. You should not have to manufacture fruit.

Healthy Leaders Produce Healthier People

When your relationship with God is real, when your character is honest, when you walk in integrity, when you genuinely love people, and when your desire is to serve instead of control, something good will naturally begin growing from your life.

Healthy trees produce healthy fruit. Healthy leaders produce healthier people. And healthy spiritual leadership should produce people who are becoming more like Jesus, not people who are becoming more afraid of their pastor.

Do Not Let Church Hurt Make You Walk Away From Jesus

So to the person reading this who has walked away from a church because you were deeply hurt, I want to say something to you. Do not let what somebody did in the name of Jesus make you walk away from Jesus.

People may have failed you. Leadership may have failed you. A church organization may have failed you. A pastor may have abused his position. But Jesus is still Jesus.

Open your Bible. Talk to Him. Pray. Find Christian friends. Find healthy fellowship. Ask hard questions. Look at the fruit. And stop performing.

You do not have to prove your faith to religious people. I stopped performing 14 years ago, and somewhere along the way I discovered that my relationship with Jesus became more real when I stopped trying to convince everyone else that it was real.

My children love the Lord. I love the Lord. Our family serves people. We give. We pray. We seek Him. We fail. We learn. We grow. And there is fruit. That is what matters to me.

Jesus Is Lord—Not the Pastor

So if something smells spiritually rotten, do not ignore it simply because someone placed the word “church” over the door. Look at the fruit. Question what needs questioned. Never surrender your God-given discernment because someone carries a religious title. And above everything else, follow Jesus.

Jesus is Lord. Not the pastor.

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